Heart matter

Choices, choices….choices! I’m in the middle of a turning point in my life. I have been discerning and praying for many weeks now. I still wish that there is a clearer view or an audible voice from heaven to let me know which way I should take. I have been looking for signs; some bible verses or reflections to help me in deciding. I talked to my closest friend and to a priest to get their view on it. But still, I know that the decision is mine alone. It’s my responsibility and the outcome is something I have to live with, maybe for the rest of my life. I have to live with it and I have to wake up each morning and face myself in the mirror without any regrets. Am I ready for that? God, how I wish there is an easier way! This is the time when I feel that God is keeping silent and aloof. I’m matured enough to accept that. God does that sometimes….leaving an unanswered question and a difficult choice in our own hands. Oh yes, I know He is still beside me… Ever ready to catch me if I fall and ready to comfort me if I hurt, even with the self-inflicted wounds. 

I’ve seen my four year old daughter and how she chooses. When we are getting ready to go out somewhere, she would go to her closet and just pick a dress she likes. It seems that she already decided even before she opened the closet. She would have a wonderful smile on her face and radiates sheer joy. Sometimes when she draws, her choice of colors would not match. For instance, she would color the sun red and the heart blue. But she is happy and content of the outcome. I sometimes wish that I have that kind of attitude. Just decide and be happy. But life becomes more complex as we grow. There are so many factors to consider. There are so many lives affected by one single decision. Choosing a dress or a color is easy enough. But choosing between people, whom to stay or let go, is a tough one. 

This is also a time for soul searching and mind battling of who I really am and what do I really believe and stand for. Last Sunday Mass, the priest talk about the heart in his homily. “Where is your heart? What is in your heart?” he asked. The matter of the heart is the heart of the matter. What is in my heart? 

“Proverbs 27:19 When you look into water, you see a likeness of your face.When you look into your heart, you see what you are really like. ” 

Does my life reflect what is in my heart? It is never easy to confront the heart. It is tough and painful. Sometimes I can be in denial, but oftentimes it’s the fear that prevents me from really looking inside my heart. I may not like what I see. But I have to do it. That is the only way for me to have peace. I have to do it if I want to be truly free and happy. Once I did that, then making decisions will be easier. And like my daughter, choosing will be more fun, the results are more enjoyable. 

Psalm 51:10-12 “God, create a pure heart in me.Give me a new spirit that is faithful to you. Don’t send me away from you. Don’t take your Holy Spirit away from me. Give me back the joy that comes from being saved by you. Give me a spirit that obeys you so that I will keep going. ”