One more lonely night yet grace-filledĀ 

It’s 11 pm, all kids are on bed, sleeping; dishes are done, the film on TV is done; night prayer is done; it’s time to go to bed and sleep…

It’s 12 midnight, I toss and turn and can’t find the comfortable position to sleep…. Better read a book…

It’s 1:30 am. I’m tired reading the book. I want to sleep but I can’t. Something’s bothering me. And I think I know what it is. Just like the other nights. A feeling…. Yes, a feeling that keeps pounding, barging and gnawing its way inside me. Loneliness is that you? 

I guess it’s harder than what I first anticipated. I’ve gotten used to have someone laying beside me on the bed; to have someone to talk to in the middle of the night; someone hugging me and telling me that I’m here for you. Now that I’m alone , I miss those things. 

Actually, I’ve been missing those things for years. Years of feeling lonely even if I was never alone. I had my husband beside me. We shared the same bed. But nothing is more lonelier than when you cry yourself to sleep while your very life partner and supposedly best friend lays just half meter away from you unmoved. When you stare at his back, trying to reach out and say hey I’m here, hurting and feeling lonely.  I did tell my husband several times about my concerns, feelings and issues. But I guess, I gave up talking to him after several attempts of making him understand. Those times I felt unheard, misunderstood, judge and not accepted. It becomes clearer everyday we are apart, how much I have put up with him through all those years; hoping that he would change and that our situation would be better. 

It’s all in the past  now. Life has changed. I have changed. I’m accepting and embracing this new chapter of my life, as I pray, “Lord, help me cope and be strong. Be with me Lord and be my comfort, my guide and my love.”

No, it’s not only loneliness. Doubt, guilt, self-pity, sadness and fear also come creeping in. Nasty thoughts! Give them a little portion of you and they will destroy everything! 

I better stand up and do something. It’s better than just laying down and overthinking! So I go to the computer and turn it on. I remember my sister-in-law who is 10 years older than me and lives across the world. She has gone through a lot as well. I remember how I used to open up to her when I was younger and sought her advices. She is wise and godly. 

Yes, she’s online!

“Hey, big sister. How are you? Are you busy? ”

“Nope. I’m not busy. I’m actually doing nothing but waiting here online. I had a feeling that someone needs a friend to talk to right now. I don’t know who, but I have nothing else to do anyway.”

Thank you Lord! You are truly great! 

“Well, can I talk to you?”

“Sure. I got all day!”