Lenten Journal – Day 10: Anger

Matthew 5:22 “But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment.”

I know anger. I felt it and lived it. I know what it’s like to be angry; anger that turned to bitterness and hatred; then turned into disgust. Until it led to death; the death of love; apathy. 

I know how I blamed others who have hurt me; for making me angry. I’ve been there; where I succumbed to myself; isolated and just miserable. I stopped talking; I stopped listening; and I stopped praying. Eventually my desire for life was slowly vanishing as well. It was darkness; inside and out; everywhere; and I’m befriending it. Slowly I’m becoming one with my own shadows.

I went to confession, seeking an answer and a solution. Because deep within me, there is a little child inside a hard-layered cocoon, crying, hurt and broken: hoping that someone would reach out and get her out; yearning to be loved. I talked to priests and got almost the same reply most of the time, “You must forgive. Pray for the person who hurt you. Stop being angry. Go back and reconcile….” I did my best and tried but I was still left angered.

Until one weekend, I met a priest and talked to him. For the first time I heard someone say to me, “You have been abused and hurt badly. God is angry with the person who hurt you. And you have the right to be angry. He understands your anger.” I broke down and cry. The cocoon which was hardened by my anger was slowly crumbling down. The priest continued to minister to me. He led me inside the court of God, in front on His judgement seat, where I cried out and told God all the wrongs that was done to me.  He explained to me that Jesus paid the price on the cross; the judgement that was due to the person who hurt me. He paid for all the abuse, hurt and all the damage that was done. And He will compensate for everything.

After awhile, I began to accept the things that had happened to me. I began to pray. My appetite for life came back; and my passion for writing. Little by little, I started feeling alive and free from the shackles of anger. And whenever a memory passes through my mind, I invite Jesus to walk with me through that memory lane and heal me; heal all the brokenness and strife. I’ve learned my lessons and with God’s grace, I don’t want to be a slave to anger anymore.

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